The Los Angeles Times
Our Boss Has One Arm
Now Hiring
Mar. 15th

ROGUE DON CAUSES HAVOC
By: The LA Times Staff

Breaking news this morning as reports came in through the night of a shootout that started in Miami and ended up in the streets of Atlanta as two Don's and several of their members and armed protection lay dead in the streets. Not much information has been made available as to why this happened, initial witnesses say Don Cole of Detroit attacked Don Chariz as he was retiring into his Headquarters for the night. After a shootout that resulted in several dead bodyguards and a few loyal gangsters that gave their life for their Don, Chariz.

The fighting then escalated to Atlanta where more armed protection fell before the eventual death of Boss Michael Bronson of the Sin City Committee. Several minutes later the Las Vegas Don, Veeto Corleone fell only to be avenged a minute later as Miami Don Candy was finally able to put the rogue Cole down. With the rogue dead this was assumed to be the end of the shooting, but with the pain of losing their Don and Boss, Vegas Caporegime Sterling Archer has taken matters into his own hands killing several Detroit members in retaliation.

Don Angelo Peruzzi hasn't been made available for comment on the situation. We here at the LA Times certainly hope this is the last of the bloodshed, and give our thoughts and prayers to the families effected by this unfortunate situation that leaves Las Vegas without their Don.


WAR IN MIDDLE AMERICA CONTINUES
By: The LA Times Staff

With the lack of financial backing and overall stability of an influential group like those found in several of the major cities across America; the four cities of Atlanta, Denver, Dallas, and Chicago have seen their death toll rise in the last month as street gangs have waged war against each other in an attempt to gain control. This distinct strategy of shoot first hasn't worked however as nobody has been able to sustain any noticeable edge for very long.

Authorities have been left baffled at the amount of crimes ranging from murder to armed robbery and extortion, involving gangs from each of these four cities in particular. Captain Leo Morse of Chicago has led several investigations into these seemingly random acts of violence but has been unable to pinpoint a reason for street gangs from different states altogether to be at war with each other. With the biggest act being a brutal murder of the Awakening gang's leader Link, of Chicago, while he slept in his cell in a Dallas prison.

With the overnight emergence of the Colorado Outfit in Denver, perhaps their presence alone can establish a sense of stability to the middle of the country once again.


UNARMED
By: The LA Times Staff

Recently we've seen Don Tyreese of Los Angeles around the city, and even inside our own offices here at the LA Times without the majority of his left arm. Wondering how this may have happened to our generous boss we tasked several reporters to track down the whereabouts of the Don when he was last spotted with his arm intact. After following several leads we found that his last known location was the Cathedral of Chaos owned by the lunatic mage Hairlock. Things started to make sense instantly, Hairlock declined our attempt at an interview but insisted that we speak to Don Man instead. I was finally able to catch up with Man who was kind enough to answer a few questions to clarify what exactly happened the night of Feb. 28th.

LA: “Is it true you were the one that cut off the Don's arm?”

Man: "I am indeed the one who severed the Don Tyreeses arm."
*I noted that Man chuckled quietly. Apparently this was amusing.*
"Well, what happened was he got bit. He got bit by a rabid animal, I won't say what it was, but it almost killed Ty. Had I not removed his arm he would be eating us all. We would all be walking dead.”

LA: "And where is this rabid animal now?"

Man: "We had to burn a lot of the dead that night." * I noted that shivered as they recalled the events of the night earlier. A single tear trickled down Man's cheek.*
"The Tiny Hippo, I mean...the animal in question is ashes now, along with hundreds of people the walking dead virus plagued that night." *I noted that Man stared at me for some time.*
"Scratch Tiny Hippo from the record. I do not want to sound crazy."

LA: "Uh, I just have one final question. Hairlock has given a single statement that went on to say he had a cure for whatever ailment Tyreese would have taken on as a result of the bite, and that the severing of the Don's arm was completely unnecessary. What do you have to say about that? What do you have to say to people who think this was planned on your end all along?"

Man: “I have to tell them to shut up, or else.”

As our interview concluded I completely understood that this person needed immediate psychiatric care and concluded that they did in fact, cut the arm off of Don Tyreese while being heavily intoxicated and/or heavily under the influence of hardcore drugs.


•The Dirty Corner•
[i]How dirty is your mind?[/i]
By: Priincess

Riddle: What’s at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates? What am I?

Riddle: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?

Riddle: I get laid in an alley. I often end up in the middle of your split. When you slip your finger inside me, I'm ready to roll. What am I?

Riddle: The hotter I am, the harder I get. I can only get laid once. The argument is whether I came first.

Riddle: I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

Riddle: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?

ANSWERS: 1. Electric toothbrush 2. Tent 3. Bowling Ball 4. Egg, 5. Peanut Butter 6. A Nose


G-MEN CLAIM VICTORY
By: The LA Times Staff

Since being established in 1928 the G Men have been involved in the murders and arrests of countless members of organized crime across America. Tasked with taking down La Cosa Nostra by any means necessary the criminal underworld has seen these Government agents increasingly get more and more aggressive in their tactics. Even going so far as to executing planned hits against specific members of families across America.

Over the course of the last month the G Men have set their targets on all of the major families, accounting for deaths of some of the most high profiled members the mob has to offer. Targeting the likes of Plissken, Consigliere to Don Chariz of Miami. Golding and Johnny Mendez, Boss and Consigliere to Don Veeto and the Sin City Committee. John Wick, Boss to LA who was also targeted shortly after his promotion ceremony. Yogi, longtime Caporegime to Angelo Peruzzi and the Itchenko Oil Company. And Klay, Boss and valued member of New York.

Certainly we haven't seen the last of the bloodshed as the Government continues to crack down on organized crime across the country. After recent events we expect those effected to exact revenge for their fallen members. Have the G Men finally gained the upper hand in a long lasting war or does the criminal underworld have something planned in retaliation?


FACT CORNER
By: Man

1.) Although Thursday is historically thought of as being named after the god Thor, it was actually named for his brother Thur.

2.) Health experts agree, every sneeze decreases human life expectancy by .27 hours.

3.) The scientific name for marijuana is cannabis because 1 in 18 people high on marijuana physically attempt to eat other people.

4.) Studies show, that people who urinate in the shower are 3 times more likely to go left when entering an amusement park.

5.) Rabbits cry through their noses.

CLASSIFIEDS

Classified ads cost a $50,000 fee, send your payment and advert to Don Tyreese

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THE CATHEDRAL OF CHAOS

“This is more of a warning than an actual classified ad. I've paid Don Tyreese $50,000 of my own hard earned money to try and save some people the pain of visiting this place. Please, for the love of God. If you ever happen to visit the Los Angeles business district, avoid the Cathedral Of Chaos at all times. For those that don't know what this place is or who it's owned by let me explain. It's essentially a run down building that Hairlock lives in, rumor has it he attracts male customers with free drinks. The catch is these drinks have large amounts of flunitrazepam in them, that he's somehow built up a strong immunity to. For those of you who are unfamiliar with flunitrazepam, it's also referred to as “roofies” or the “date-rape drug.

Please heed my warning and stay away from this place at all times, I'm speaking from an unfortunate experience and the more people I inform about this place the better. I'm trying to save good people from a world of chaos, thank you.”

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OBITUARIES

Frankie Bones
Born: Jan 13th 15 4:39AM in Los Angeles
Died: Mar 12th 15 1:09PM in Los Angeles
Rank: Made Man

Klay
Born: Feb 7th 15 5:57PM in Chicago
Died: Mar 14th 15 7:42AM in New York
Rank: Boss

George Jetson
Born: Dec 20th 14 3:03PM in Miami
Died: Mar 14th 15 11:02AM in Miami
Rank: Capo

Michael Bronson
Born: Nov 16th 14 11:57AM in Las Vegas
Died: Mar 14th 15 6:16PM in Atlanta
Rank: Boss

Veeto
Born: Sep 30th 14 3:16PM in Detroit
Died: Mar 14th 15 6:19PM in Atlanta
Rank: Don

Cole
Born: Dec 18th 14 11:16AM in New York
Died: Mar 14th 15 6:20PM in Atlanta
Rank: Don

Michigan
Born: Feb 9th 15 6:51PM in Chicago
Died: Mar 14th 15 10:11PM in Atlanta
Rank: Capo

Cadillac Louie
Born: Jan 27th 15 11:07PM in Detroit
Died: Mar 14th 15 10:44PM in Chicago jail
Rank: Made Man

Kublai Khan
Born: Dec 25th 14 10:58AM in Las Vegas
Died: Mar 14th 15 10:59PM in Chicago 
Rank: Capo