In Your Vaste (Tabloid) - Issue 9

EDITOR'S NOTES

I asked for interesting things to write about and by gosh did you provide? Where do we start when you have all the bloodshed, the split personalities, the church disrespect and the utterly pathetic speeches in the street that always accompany war? But before we get to it, I'd like to thank all my anonymous sources, without you the war piece would be bland and lacking of detail and lastly please all spare a moment for all those who have lost someone recently.

LET THERE BE WAR

Omerta, Omerta, Omerta. Boy do you guys stick to this rule and as such it's been almost an impossibility to try to establish what has led us to this war which is currently engulfing the nation that has seen the fall of such infamous characters like Penny Wise, Slow Loris, Woonsocket and Donald Duck. Some have been shocked by the bloodshed whilst others have said that this has been a long time coming.

Many reports have suggested that Turbo threw the first stone but must have been aware about his glass house because he has been hesitant about throwing this stone for a long while and was talking about it for a very long time beforehand. An anonymous source has informed us that a week prior to the shooting there were rumblings coming out of NY about taking the other families out one by one which led to an alliance forming between the now late Detroit based Boss, Penny Wise, Miami Boss Al Fabinchini and Los Angeles Boss T-Mac to defend against the terror in New York.

We understand that the first attack by Turbo was uncoordinated but resulted in the death of King Reed before he ended up seeking refuge back home in New York whilst inarticulately declaring that everyone else was hiding.

Things took a turn for the worse when the allies got wind of Penny's death. Miami appeared to originally be cautious about getting involved but decided that they needed to rise to the occassion when both Paulo and Sadio landed in Coconut Grove at which point Al Fab and his band of merry men took the fight to Brooklyn with modern day Maid Marian Lucy "Sexy" Legs firing the first shot taking out Paulo whilst Stone clipped Saadio.

Things were starting to go from bad to worse with New York's alleged leader Turbo being on the lamb when out of nowhere a wild WOONSOCKET appeared! Woonsocket went on a killing spree of epic proportions and is reported to have taken out Milazzo, The Bull, God, Julius, Odin, Mr Satan, Moonlight, Donald Duck, Penny Wise and many more.

After Ari Gold fell, to Slow Loris, it looked as though the battle might be evening out a little but we understand that the two New York heavy hitters fell to T-Mac and Stone, yet again, leaving Turbo to do most of the leg work, which may be a step too far after his long walks of late.

An anonymous source from the Gold standard had this to say

"The members of The Gold Standard, as of yet, are still fighting. Poor decisions were made, but we have fought bravely against a group who are only alive because of their hired protection"

Whilst another source from Miami is quoted as saying

"Chat shit, get banged!"

I have reached out to my sources in LA and NY but both sides are otherwise engaged. With Lola Lane recently executing Bertone Junior and Meph deciding to top himself instead of risking battle with Lola again it appears that only Turbo remains the only hitter of note before a mopping up effort occurs in New York if only he can find his way back home after his marathon stroll.

AL FABINCHINI AND HIS MERRY MEN

It's no secret that the hay day of the mafia has passed with prohibition being over many members of the underworld have been looking at alternatives with drug running and gambling being the main sources of income and returns not being as great as in the past. But that didn't stop the loveable rogues from Miami from finding an inventive way to overcome this problem by fixing horse races. So generous were they that they included most, if not all, the other families in their scam and raked in so much cash that the bookies have changed the way they place odds on the horses. Many people have wanted to anonymously say thank you to this modern day Robin Hood so from everyone here at In Your Vaste, Thank You for your hard work.

ATTACK OF THE CLONES

It sounds like the stuff of science fiction but lately there has been waves of reports of cloning going on. The Federal Government has sent a stark warning to all to provide good reason why you'd be genetically identical to another person and to proactively register with them through the usual channels if you do happen to have a twin, but this warning appears to have been largeyly ignored. The government has done their first wave of executions as a stark reminder to all about the dangers of cloning. We hope this is the last of this matter and let's leave the reproduction to the more natural methods.

FATHER FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED

Wraith of God appears to be rewritten into the constitution after lobbying in DC by both representatives from the Catholic Church and Catholic Charities after some of the most appalling comments have been made in confessionals lately. Father Matthew from the Cathedral of Lights in Detroit has informed us that "the plague of disrespect for the church has got so bad that a young hoodlum recently sat in the confessional and quite simply told me to feck off!". With the knowledge that this type of negative karma will come back to haunt you later not providing much of a deterrent, representatives from the church are now hoping that harsher prison sentences might have the desired affect instead.

MAKE A WISH
By S F Fat

Usually we would do a bar or restaurant review but today we are forgoing this piece for a special mention of a few individuals latey.

The first mention is for the late Detroit Captain Odin whose only dream was to be in the paper. Congratulations Odin, you made it!

Next a quote from Flash 'Arry "The Spiv" - "There must be a con like me in every city in America. I'm the guy who can get it for you. Cigarettes, a bag of reefer if that's your thing, a bottle of brandy to celebrate your kid's high school graduation, damn near anything within reason. Yes sir, I'm a regular Sears and Roebuck. If you even want up and coming actress Rita Hayworth, no problems... For a price"

The last mention is for Turbo who wins the award of Hide and Seek Champion. Numerous sources have said that he likes holding hands and to go for long walks on the beach... But only at the most inopportune moment and when the fighting really starts, then he is no where to be found. The disappearance of Turbo has baffled law enforcement and underworld alike with many likening his disappearance to that of union man Jimmy Hoffa.