TiTS - THE DISEASE THAT WILL KILL YOUR FAMILY

TINY THUMB SYNDROME (TiTS) the newly emerged disease has claimed its first fatality, for those not aware TiTS causes it's unfortunate host to INSTANTLY lose their thumb size over night until only tiny stubs remain; Willaim Anderson a GANGSTER from New York found himself in Chicago during a full fledged fire fight unable to hitch-hike his way home nor properly hold a gun due to his condition he was swiftly and BRUTALLY murdered in cold blood afternoon time in down town Chicago.
For any red blooded American personal protection is the only thing stopping us getting invaded by our enemy’s, to strip that right away is simple unpatriotic!
Lets hope our boys can find a cure soon!

Note – All donations to help further raise awareness and find a cure can be given to FrancisGrant.


FIGHT ME IRL AND THE DEATH OF A BOSS

Well known businessman and criminal mastermind Mikey Palmese who operated from Los Angeles was gunned down in the early hours of Sunday morning in what appears to be a BOTCHED kidnapping.
Silenced a HOODLUM from Miami was apparently visiting on business when he was grabbed by several ARMED men when in a quick move he pulled out his pistol, firing several shots striking Mr Palmese multiple times.
In an attempt to collect himself Silenced went to the new café #DOTORG using the alias SCOTTY he ran into an accomplice of Mr Palmese under the name GLADE; after a back and forth of harsh words and death threats it all came to a pop with one party shouting “FIGHT ME IRL”, for readers who are unfamiliar IRL is the new hip street drug in which users experience an inflated ego and funny balls.

CONSPIRACY THEORY
By: Taxi Driver

Hey, welcome to my cab. Where are you off to today? Really? It might take a few because traffic is absolutely backed up out there. Some schmo jumped the lights at Fourth and Broadway and there's a huge pileup. Bits of bodies everywhere. It's a mess.

Talking of messes, did you see that guy that got executed the other day? Lester somebody. I heard he was one of those cleaner people, you know the ones that are monitoring everything you say out there on the streets and in your businesses? Did you know that they have everywhere bugged? I swear they report to the government or something, but no one believes me when I tell them. They should you know. One day they're listening in to everything you say and the next you're wearing some tracking device so they know exactly where you are.

You might want to consider getting a few x-rays done on the quiet just to make sure they haven't tagged you already. It's so hard to get away from these sorts of things. I never have any dental work done and avoid hospitals. You never know what they do to you when you're out cold or what they're filling your teeth with.

Anyway, getting back to that Lester guy. I heard he got executed for telling people what he'd found out while he was monitoring things instead of reporting to the government. They don't like being double crossed. I heard of one guy did it, and all they found was a foot. It looked like it had been chewed off or something. So Lester got killed, and I don't think too many people were upset over it. He wasn't what you would call "well liked", if you know what I mean? In fact I'd say that a lot of people were quite happy to see the back of him, although the word is that he went to his grave crying like a little girl.

So this Lester snitches to someone, then tries to say it was one of the others. That big admin woman apparently tortured him to find out what had been going on. He refused to talk though. At first that is. They all talk in the end. You know he nearly got that Tencredy guy killed too? The one that died in the war recently? He was passing secret stuff to him using an alias. You got to wonder whether his quick death after being released from custody was actually because of the war or whether something was planted in him to make sure he didn't live to tell tales.

So here we are. That'll be ten bucks please. The tips on keeping safe are free. Have a nice day.

EDITORS NOTE

We here at the National Enquirer try out best to give you, the American citizens the latest in News and Politics; Upon contacting New York businessman for a full story on the recent killings in Chicago we were promised that a full announcement would be made on the matter in the coming days.

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