19th August, 2005

CONCERN AS CLAN OPENLY DECLARES WAR

Citizens of Chicago were concerned yesterday after a new bar opened up in the city. The new bar, fronted by a man calling himself unicorn_of_death, was just a thinly veiled recruiting centre for a new clan named G-unit.

Police have warned against contact with these individuals, all earmarked by the “Loyal to the G-unit clan” badges who have openly declared war against another faction, the RD Family. According to the publicity material, the aim of the clan is to destroy the RD Family and gain control of the streets. They were offering top of the range protection and claiming that no other crews would mess with any member of the clan. A Police spokesman stated that these claims should not be taken seriously.

The group seem to be very unselective about who they have in their clan. The publicity material that we were able to obtain stated that anyone wanting to join only had to take a badge, then contact the owner of the bar to confirm membership. The bar was closed by the authorities soon after it opened, much to the relief of the community in Chicago.
SPREAD OF ORGANIZED CRIME

By: TrippyHippie

It is rumoured that there are over 20 street bosses already working the cities, some reports say there could be as many as 35. These are well organized mafia families, who are starting to appear in the major cities in our community.

"The situation is terrible.” replied Police Chief Peter Johnson of the Las Vegas police department when asked about the rise of these gangs. "Petty Crimes and jail breaking is one thing, but as soon as the crime in our cities gets organized, all hell breaks loose. So far we have already seen an increase in shootings, one of which leaded to the murder of street boss Sonny_Ciccone."

James J. Walker, mayor of New York City was questioned by the press on this topic. "The mafia families are starting to battle," says James J. Walker, "It's a surprise we don’t find more bodies in the streets. New York City's got it the worst, I am surprised at the large amount of mafia families here, and they all seem to be fighting for territory and power."

It is suspected that various known Mafiosos congregate in bars and other social clubs, which act as fronts for their drug trafficking and headquarters. It is advised to stay away from suspicious privately owned bars to avoid conflict.
SPORTS SECTION

By: Sefton_Lipbalm

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

First official two-man beach volleyball tournament was held today at State Beach in California. It was organized by Gary Holtzman and won by Krishnu Saenez-Harris and Father Rory "the fisher" O'Flannagan, who was awarded with a case of Pepsi as the winners' prize...Flannagan' beautiful volleyball poise plus his use of the flying, twisting wrist-twister proving too difficult for the opposing teams.

One casualty of the day was "Pyjama Tops" McGee who was rushed to hospital with a badly twisted neck and a mouth crammed full of sand...

Further tournaments are to be held touring eight beaches in California: Tahoe, Santa Cruz, Santa Barbara, State, Corona Del Mar, Laguna and San Diego. Starting on the 23rd and every Thursday after.

This years sponsorship is the Ford Motor company.

The winner of the overall tournament gets the keys to a brand new locker in Main Street Station, for a year.

Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact Tallulah, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the news stand.
THE RABBIT WARREN

Let's face it; even if you're not some egocentric freak job, you want to be a star. Even if it's for a fleeting moment, a few times a year, or every time you get rejected in line at some fancy club with overpriced mojitos, you have, at one point, wanted to be more than Joe Nobody. You wanted to be Joe Somebody, or actually Mr. Joe Somebody.

We are obsessed with being recognized, being given our dues, and, most importantly, being respected. So whenever I needed any kind of special treatment at a hotel or restaurant where they didn't know how much weight I carried, I'd always call ahead and tell them I was making plans for Dr. Bellini (sounds respectable, don't it?). Yeah sure, it was a copout, but at the time I wanted to be accepted by "mainstream" society, especially in places where guys who serviced you wore finocchio bow ties. As you get older, these things matter less. Or at least it seems that way to me because now I don't need to do much to be a "somebody." So, yes, you can always be a somebody if you can accumulate the right amount of power and money, but unless you plan on running for office (in which case you're still a nobody stuck in the job title of a "somebody") or feel that your brilliant idea to sell lemonade to senior citizens is going to make you a millionaire, you are going to have to work at it.

Kids nowadays want everything yesterday. Nobody has patience anymore. It's no longer just about instant gratification; it's about instant gratification that someone else works for on your behalf. You can almost never amount to anything in life or appreciate what it is to be a somebody unless you start off as a nobody . So what if you start at the bottom of the food chain? Seeing things from the ground floor up lets you see what it takes to distinguish yourself from the cafones around you. Don't kid yourself into thinking you can be a success overnight (remember; it takes 10 years to be an overnight success).

Let me further illustrate this point by telling you about my nephew Vinnie. Vinnie is a fine boy but he has no understanding of the word "patience" or having a good work ethic. He tells me all the time, "Uncle, I want the big house with three garages (he actually says tree garages, but I digress), I want the Mercedes, I want the expensive wines..." That's when I pull him by the ears and tell him, "Vinnie, outside of these trust-fund idiots, do you see who typically has these things, these fancy cars and large homes? It's fat old f*cks(oops I swore in the Gazette!), not young kids . What makes you so special that you can skip steps?" The concept is easy, boys. All these guys with fancy things? Guess what? It took them a while to get them. First they started with the small house that they paid off and turned into a down payment on a bigger house, which they paid off again to get the big house with the fancy marble walkway. Ever notice the grey hair and potbelly on guys with mansions or in exotic sports cars? Lesson here is, don't expect at 29 what everyone before you got at 59. Capisce ? Good. Now on to some practical advice.

Ways to becoming important:

There is never one single thing you do that can transform your importance instantly. Even if you are elected president, you get there by climbing the ropes and being different levels of a somebody first. Unlike the movies, no Italian kid, black kid or Hispanic kid is going to get plucked from Brooklyn and win the presidential election because he promises voters he is going to "keep it real." So here are several pointers:

1- Get money

Buy your way into being important. The more money you have, the more people want to lick your arse and the more crap you get for free. Go figure. There is nothing like walking into a place and saying, "I need to spend a lot of money," to get you noticed. But this is fleeting importance and having cash isn't enough to make you a permanent somebody.

2- Have street cred

In my line of work, once you are made or even if you are associated with a Family, you are a somebody. Having a reputation on the street helps, how you go about it is a whole other article.

3- Make a big move

There is nothing like a big move to get you noticed. Whether it's a big heist, a large merger or an important speech, you can climb up the significance ladder pretty quickly by doing something that will be archived in the history books (whether it's the ones that get stored in a library or in the Feds' private collection of mug shots).

4- Be an expert

Everyone always needs the opinion of other people. Even I could admit when derivative pricing models theory is above my head. I have to call a schmuck who can tell me what the hell that is. But when I call, I want to call the best because I know the best knows what he is doing and how he can help me before I even open my mouth. It's not enough to be an authority on something, you have to be the authority to get recognized. So instead of being satisfied as a regular lawyer, accountant, computer geek, whatever, be the best in your field. Have some trait that is exclusive to you and don't be a generic idiot like most people.
WE HEAR THAT…

Gossip Column By: Trixie

Down at St MoneyZeb's - for the Mentally Infirm, They are not using real doctors. After walking in, our nosey reporter noticed that They were giving M&M's and Jelly Bellies to the Drooling catatonic patients. after Stealing a sample she noticed this one had some real pills in it. Looking around, she took them anyway and within an hour, she was joining in on the fun of group Bingo. Sure Dr. Zebadee and Dr. MoneyPenny may not have fancy Diplomas for their walls...But boy do they know how to shake it all about.
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