In Your Vaste (Tabloid) - Issue 1

WHO SHOT CAL VALERO?

I've spent barely a fortnight flirting with the underworld but not quite getting close enough to popping my cherry, but like all the other virgins queuing waiting for a sexy mobster to grasp me by the waist and show me the glitz and glamour of the underworld, whilst waiting outside of the Ruby Avenue in LA on a Friday night I'm asking "Who shot Cal Valero?".

Now the answer to the obvious question is that Dillon Winston shot Cal we all know this, even the cops do, they just ain't doing anything about it. The more important question is why was Cal shot? Now our sources suggest that Cal might be the latest descendant of the famous Del Boy bloodline (or one of the many, brothers, sisters, siblings, cats and dogs of the family who happen to show up during times of war) from the famous duo of Del Boy and Rodney (often called Scotty) also known as the "Only Dupes and Horses" bloodline. Unfortunately this rumour has not been, I repeat, has not been confirmed as it's also rumoured that our gods may have banished this comedy duo to the lowest depths of hell, Scotland. It's also suggested that Cal was a Don under the Sons and Soldier's regime which mostly consisted of Don Chariz after numerous cullings of his members. It is known, sources to be confirmed, that Godfather Harry "Highlander" Winston (now named Highlander for his immortal status), the latest in a long line of prominent mobsters of the same blood line, has a blood feud with the Del Boy family dating back centuries from when their clans used to war over land and women back in the highlands before emigrating to the USA. It is rumoured that Harry Winston funded the hit on Cal due to his belief that Cal may be the fruit of his rivals loins.

This is not the most shocking of stories to come from this whole incident and I mean more shocking that Willaim DeSantis assertions that he is in fact handsome (he paid me to say this). No, the most shocking development in this story is that Miami Crime Lord Alex Savaglio of the MattJey bloodline had sactioned the hit on his family member despite being only touching distance away from immortality and god father status. Although no firm evidence of this exists there is a lot of facts that lead to the suggestion such as Alex declaring that he was saving Cal a slot as a consiglieire in his family but when Cal joined a life of crime he was held back at goomba by his new boss. Dillon swiftly proceeded to shoot Cal and it was if Cal's location was leaked somehow. Despite the obvious hit by a Detroit member on a Miami member on one of his Alex didn't make any movement to, at the very least, to protect his member but was heard to be instead dancing around say "put your hands up for Detroit, I love this city". It's alleged that if it wasn't for New York legend Albert Fish's intervention this "sanctioned?" hit would have continued unhindered.

So what will become of the Cal debacle? Who shot Cal Valero? Was it sanctioned? Will Alex Savaglio respond if it wasn't? Will this country now be ravaged by war or will the "Friendship pact" allow for murder of this kind? In Your Vaste will continue to investigate.