THE MAFIA GAZETTE Issue 33
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)
12th December 2013
Editor In Chief: Carmela_DeAngelis
Managing Editor: Randle_McMurphy


LOS ANGELES ERUPTS IN MOB VIOLENCE
By: Randle McMurphy

The fragile stalemate between the Dons of both LA and NY was broken last week when the West coast erupted in gunfire. First to fall was NY Consigliere Hast, though it is believed he was killed in self-defence by EmiliaRicci as she avoided his attack. Ricci herself was next to fall, in what then turned into an execution of the remaining LA hierarchy at the hands of various NY heavy hitters. In a little under an hour, the upper echelons of The Misfits lay in the morgue, with WTS suffering barely any losses after the initial death of Hast.

Little has been said by New York crime family Winter Tempest Society about their motives for attacking LA, with James-Burke refusing to make any official comment. Some sources inside WTS hinted that Burke was becoming uneasy with recent rogues from the LA family, and has been growing more paranoid due to his race with Emilia to the rank of Godfather. Sources inside The Misfits tell a different story, and speak of NY plants that infiltrated the family to intentionally cause trouble and give the impression of an unstable city.

With one side dead, and the other remaining tight-lipped, we may never know exactly what happened to trigger the deaths on 4th December, however in the days since, Mickey-Rourke has taken control of LA and it now appears to have become be another NY satellite. With all other major cities except Las Vegas now run by NY or ex-NY members, this reporter wonders if WTS will soon run out of people to go to war with. It is worth noting, however, that WTS started as a satellite of The Misfits, with many members formerly working under EmiliaRicci. Will history repeat itself? Only time will tell.


END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH?
By: Hank McTank

Rumours have been spreading recently of a new doomsday cult, originating in Chicago but now nationwide. The cult leader, known only as tONYB, has been hosting sermons that state when the mafia world sees its next Godfather, the world will cease to exist. The cult was initially ridiculed, however its influence appears to be spreading with several high-ranked members of the crime world said to have been initiated. Sources inside NY’s Winter Tempest Society even implicated James-Burke as a potential doomsday cult member.

No name has officially been released for the cult, indeed their existence has yet to be confirmed by any serving member, though sources who wish to remain anonymous are referring to them as “The Admins”. It is not yet known how serious The Admins are, or what means they plan to use to try and strike out at the population on a global scale, but FBI officials have released a press report urging any members of the public with information on the cult to get in touch with them immediately.

More on this story as it breaks.


RITUALISTIC ROBBERS RANSACK GRAVES
By: Carmela DeAngelis

Detectives from across the country are currently working together investigating multiple reports of grave robberies. The graves and head stones of some of the country's most respected mobsters have been knocked over and had their bodies stolen.

In what appears to be an organized heist, bodies have been reported missing from multiple cities all in one night. Police Captain, Mark Stanley, was quoted as saying "These guys are out of control. You have to be a real sick bastard to dig up a body, let alone all these. Whoever organized this better hope we find them first! I fear the families of these men will be looking to fill some graves of their own." When asked how many bodies were currently missing, Captain Stanley refused to comment, saying that investigations were still continuing, and the exact number was not yet known.

When pressed for names, Captain Stanley told our reporter that only a few had yet been confirmed as having been removed, and he was only prepared to release a few identities of the missing corpses.

So far, the names released to the media are:

SonnyBlack, Don of New York; Scotty, Las Vegas Capo; Rich, New York Capo; Johnny_Handsome, Los Angeles Capo; Snow, Las Vegas Made Man; Marco_Polo, Miami Boss.

We at the Gazette will bring you more names as they are released to the press. If anyone has any information on these acts of vandalism and thefts at the cemeteries, please either contact the police or us here at the Gazette for anonymity.


UNDERWEAR THIEF DETAINED
By: Anony Mouse

The Gazette has recently interviewed Police Captain Stan Wilkinson in relation to an ongoing spate of underwear thefts in the New York area, particularly from the used laundry in old people’s homes. The thefts began in late September, and increased in frequency ever since. Captain Wilkinson said, “Only short glimpses of the suspect had been caught, and we were having real trouble putting together a picture of the pervert. There are a lot of potential suspects in New York!”

The Police hit a lucky break when the thefts suddenly stopped, and a national co-operative between agencies identified a new trend for the same style of thefts in Los Angeles. Matching up travel records, eye-witness accounts, and ruling out alibis, the Police eventually centred on only one possible suspect. Mickey-Rourke was detained in downtown Los Angeles, and given an indefinite restraining order requiring him to stay at least 200ft away from any retirement home. A large quantity of garments were removed from his property, Captain Wilkinson described them as “perversely soiled”. The underwear is said to have been destroyed for health and safety purposes.


WEEKLY MOB AWARDS
By: Joe King

Award for best hair of the week goes to… ChChChChia!
Award for most randomly hated man of the week goes to… Jerome_Collins!
Award for laziest writer of the week goes to… Tommy-Udo!
Award for best horse name of the week goes to… McBeardsley


THE WORD ON THE STREET
By: Joe King

The word on the street is… Alfieri is a sexy beast.
The word on the street is… Dino_Sforza is a mean drunk.
The word on the street is… MartinWilloughby has nobody to play with.
The word on the street is… Santa Claus is coming to town!


REVIEWERS WANTED!
The Mafia Gazette is now actively recruiting reviewers for the business districts around the country. We would like to write a small review of a business from each city on a weekly basis, and need you to get reviewing! Pay rates are negotiable, contact Randle_McMurphy for more information.

CLASSIFIEDS
All classified ads are free. Mail your advert to Randle_McMurphy at the Gazette Offices in Chicago to have them included in the next issue.

Writer for hire. Any subject considered, also expert architect so able to put together blueprints for new businesses. Contact Dino_Sforza for prices.

Used gun for sale. One careful owner, hardly taken out of the box. Contact Eddie_Stobart for details.

WRITERS WANTED
Gazette writers wanted. Good rates of pay. Hours negotiable. Apply to Randle_McMurphy at the Gazette offices in Chicago.