EDITOR'S NOTE

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a paper to read through, read through, read through...

A few people have asked for a paper and I thought I'd oblige. If you like it and want more then I need more sources as the streets are quiet right now. Too quiet. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and if you don't, honestly I don't care.

Vaste

THE ART OF THE DUEL
By Da-Baby

It's with a deep sadness that I come to you today. Many of you may know my nephew, Da-Grace, the street boss who tragically passed recently. His death has affected me deeply, so close was I with his mother, my sister, that she named the boy after me and I was hoping that he too would be a great success like I am.

Shortly before his passing, he managed to get a note to me stating that people just don't know how to duel anymore. I wanted to tell him the error of his ways and stop him but before I could get to him he was already slain. I feel the only thing I can do to honour him is to publish the rules of duelling for all to participate in the art fairly.

RULE #1
Never let them know you're duelling. The best duellers are similar to the best farts, silent but violent. If you are stupid enough to be in a city with me then you have already signed up to the duel.

RULE #2
Never check whether your quarry is affiliated with a crew or a family. If your duel brings more heat on you then that adds to the fun, doesn't it? If your duel brings down a rain of bullets so thick that it blots out the sun, well then you fight in the shade.

RULE #3
If your foe is oblivious to your dueling because you struggle to hit the wide side of a barn and foolishly ends up in jail, now this is your moment. Get your pretty little hide locked up and you stick them with the pointy end of your needle. If Bubba can get your health low when he stabs you once without using a shank, imagine what you can do with 2 jabs of your shank? If you're lucky you could do an insignificant wound or something. Just keep poking away. Poke, poke, poke.

RULE #4
Only engage your combatant verbally if they leave mid duel. How very dare they flee the city when they realise they've been attacked 101 times and received very little damage? Make sure you message them something intimidating and manly to show your prowess. Something like "Awww, whyd you flee, snookums?" if that fails tell them "I have a particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very short career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you return and duel me now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will continue to try and caress you to death...". Leave the pause in there, make sure they know that you mean business.

RULE #5
This is optional but I'll include it anyway. If you're gonna be the best, you're gonna have to fight the best and sometimes your best isn't going to be good enough. Everyone will eventually encounter a woonsocket and die. Make sure your legend endures by saying something inspiring as your last words, something like "before you could throw your knickers at woonsocket he threw a shoe at you and you suffered a fatal steel capped toe related death". These are the messages people want to remember and we will all look up to you with the other great duellers taken before their time.

I hope this guide has helped you and may my nephews passing not be in vain.

DRUGS: ARE WE IN THE MIDST OF AN EPIDEMIC?

Since the return of organised crime, we've seen many well respected criminals resorting to scavenging what they can from docks and sewers. Many pawn shop owners have highlighted an upturn in items rescued from junk and sold for a pittance, which we can only suspect, is being used to buy drugs. The use of narcotics in the underworld doesn't even seem to be hidden anymore with reputed Street boss Slow Loris, also known as the sloth, publicly taking to the streets to establish an information exchange so that crooks can exchange drug prices and know where to pick up their fix for cheap.

With money being hard to come by, especially in a consistent manner, it's been suggested that organised criminal gangs have picked up the habit to numb the pain. It's early days so far but this journalist promises to investigate further and wonders what this means for every day citizens.

LOCAL GANG RIVALRY GRIPS LAS VEGAS

Residents of Sin City have been living in fear since a beef between the Bisto boys and the Oxo lads has broken out over who runs the city. The OXO lads first ran into trouble when they tried to mug the bisto kids, Bill and Maree for their stock pot. Little did the OXO kids knorr was that they would end up in a spot of hot bovril when the oxo kids were browned, seasoned and thickened all in one. Since then it's not unusual to see oxo lads running away from the bisto boys screaming "ahhhh bisto" in terror. As things stand, the bisto boys have the upper hand and it would appear that the Oxo lads are in deep deep gravy.

BAR AND RESTAURANT REVIEW WITH S. F. FAT

I originally intended to retire from writing columns but when Vaste knocks its a different kind of knock, usually because he knocks whilst carrying 4 quarter pounders, fries and milkshakes, its the most delicious knock in the world. But what would In Your Vaste be without your favourite guest columnist Mr Fat? Plus Mr Vaste has offered me the opportunity to travel America eating and drinking on his dime, subject to me reviewing bars and restaurants, so today I'm reviewing Admin's Place in the windy city.

Admin's Place is a perplexing "bar" to say the least. You end up in there inexplicably with the place having 4 grey walls, no doors and no windows. Inside there's no bar but it does have 3 buckets, one containing water, one containing sponges and the last containing chalk.

I witnessed some odd behaviour when I went in there with young Paulo quickly learning he was stuck whilst Norris scatters chalk everywhere so he can relieve himself in a bucket and rats scarper around. There's a deranged character asking for his mummy which is rather unsettling.

A few other patrons discuss how they got there and wonder if they've been kidnapped before Woonsocket magically ascends from the ground taking his head from inside the bucket of piss completely oblivious to the fact he is piss soaked, another patron appears and then sits on the floor before slow loris instantaneously appears in the room, realises his mistake and vanishes.

So how do I review this place?

Food: minus 10 out of 10
Gosh darn am I hungry and can I eat chalk? Well, I'll try.
Drink: 2 out of 10
This was a close call because the bar only originally provided water but since Norris entered there's now a choice of 2 drinks.
Ambience: 9 out of 10
This isn't your run of the mill "beer me" gaff. Its a bit out there, it's a bit strange and it's a bit like where we've got Jimmy hoffa, wink wink. What's gonna become of the chalk, the water and the sponges is anyone's guess but who knows maybe someone will draw something on the fricking walls one day...

I'd definitely recommend a visit if you can work out how to got in and more importantly how you're gonna get out. Not a good place if, like me, you want to stuff your face.