IN YOUR VASTE - Issue 15

EDITOR'S NOTE

Nothing to say today. Move along.

MADE TO MEASURE

It hasn't been that long since the government eliminated all organised crime in the US but today we have the misfortune of announcing that organised crime has returned with the introduction of the first made man, Bumpy Johnson. Born in harlem, New York, Bumpy fell out with a rivaka street boss and was forced to flee to Detroit. Once in Detroit, Bunpys bew York style of showing generosity to the community and no mercy to anyone who crossed him saw him swiftly rise up the ranks with rumours circulating that he shot one of his enemies in the middle of the street in front of plenty of witnesses but so loved was he that no one dared speak to the police about the incident. It appears that Bumpy's future goal is to finish off the hit he started against Fenton if Fenton ever comes out of hiding. Maybe Fenton should change his slogan from hitman for hire to hide and seek champion.

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE?

Las Vegas Street Boss Fenton recently took to the streets to offer a 2 week truce to allow the underworld to prosper before reconsidering whether everyone wanted to go back to war or not. Fenton, the self proclaimed pacifist and hitman for hire who alleges to have never fired a shot before has the issue of being a walking contradiction and therefore it's hard to believe him. An anonymous source had this to say

"None of this makes any sense. They started the war and Fenton was front and centre of it all, but now they've started to take some major losses they want a ceasefire? Why? Clearly they want to reconsolidate power and change the tide of this war and we're not going to let them. Plus look at him, he is a compulsive liar. He's definitely fired shots. He badly injured Trev even if he couldn't finish the job and this was when he was claiming to be a pacifist."

The word on the street is that an era of peace should ensue once the heads of Stone and Fenton have been taken. New York associate has boldly put a rather meagre $1m hit on both of these targets with the current hit list looking as follows:

Episiotomy - $50m
Stone - $1m
Fenton - $1m

PRIZE FIGHTERS WANTED

Team Money (Talks) is looking to start a series of bare knuckle underground fights to tour the country. He is looking for prize fighters and bookies to take the action. All fights will be fully reported in the paper with the next fight being hosted in Vegas between Jim Middleton and Cavenelli with Cavenelli being the slight favourite with odds of 2/1 against Jim's 3/1. If you think you have what it takes please register your interest with In Your Vaste receptionist Black Aliss.

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES RULE CHANGE

After the In Your Vaste exclusive on the new technology used for the designing of businesses by computer designers the Federal Government has introduced new regulations to ensure that this technology doesn't get exploited. The rules dictate that the business can be designed using computers but the computers are not allowed to frequent the business. Hopefully this is the last we'll hear on the matter.

In unrelated news, it appears that after a gangster was incarcerated after the use of homophobic slurs the government has reiterated their stance on all hate crimes which is still a capital punishment offence.

ALL MY LOVE TO GERTIE

To my dearest Gertie, anonymous poem by Jerk.

I'm your Mars,

You're my Venus

You are my Vagina
I'm your Penis
- Anonymous