In Your Vaste - Issue 6

EDITOR'S NOTES

So, I took a sabbatical and I didn't publish for a while. This may happen from time to time, writing the paper is a thankless task. Actually it's worse than thankless it's mostly abuse, continual accusations that I'm people I'm not, kidnappings and beatings. If it wasn't for the kindness of Mr Thorn this would have only got worse. I think it's a little embarrassing that made men and higher would kidnap an unarmed citizen who only works to provide you a service. Had you asked I may have helped you further with banking or posts but instead it seemed to make more sense for you to just to rob and beat me. It's a shame you're not so brave when war actually happens as most of you just go into hiding for days on end.

This latest edition may contain SPOILERS so I'd probably just avoid the article entitled The Battle of The Bastards if you don't want to know the future.

Thanks Vaste

THE BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS

It was a historic battle the one we had been anticipating for a long time. The battle of the bastards when the Bastard in the North (Detroit), Lord Snow, battled the bastard of the Riverlands (NY), Albert Fish in what would be a fatal final clash. We'd been gearing up for this war for a while when Albert fish took umbrage to the execution of Cal something or other (like is this dude is only relevant for dying I can't keep writing about him) and for legitimising himself in a letter that read.

"You will be dead, bastard. You and all your host will be smashed in seven days of battle. I will unleash Wes' magic gun. Tell your brother whore.

Your miami friends will be dead. Their heads upon the walls of New York. Come see them, bastard. Your friends in miami lied, and so did you. You told the world Cal was Del. Instead you were imprisoned then released with more lies, bastard.

I will have Cal left alive. If you want Wesley dead, come and get him. I have him unleashed for all the north to see, proof of my prowess. The north is cold, but I will make a warm cloak from the skin of your miami Whore's if they come with you to new York.

I want detroit. I want miami. I want your whore brother. I want Wes' freedom. I want that Charles Floyd dead. And I want you to be my reek. Send them to me, bastard, and I will not trouble you or your black crows. Keep them from me, and I will cut out your bastard's heart and eat it.

Albert Fish, Trueborn Lord of The States."

The two bastards lined up on the field with the Lord commander or the nights watch clearly aggrieved by the bastard of new Yorks terms. Fish released rivi and told him he was playing a game, the terms of the game were simple, rivi had to run back to his chums in detroit. Rivi took the terms whilst gun fire rained down upon him. It wasn't long before Wesley slaughtered Rivi just before he made it to Harry. In a fit of rage Harry single handedly slaughtered Albert fish and amongst the skirmishes it's alleged that dillon "Lord too Fat To Ride A Horse" Winston managed to kill Wesley in revenge for Wesley eating a slice of his pizza or something, I dunno no one really believes that fatty can really move far enough to pull a trigger without suffering a heart attack.

After the battle the leaders of the other cities assembled and crowned Harry Winston the king in the north.

We at In your Vaste would like to say long live the king, he's been a good sport and a loyal patron of the paper and deserves his Crown.

THE WAR OF THE TERRIBLE SPEECHES

In your Vaste had the unfortunate experience of listening to Dillon "I've not seen my dick in years" Winston's speech recently preventing Denver members from accessing LA due to Denver members poor literacy. Ironically Dillon "The Virgin" Winston articulated this using quite probably the worst grammar and literacy I have ever had the misfortune to witness and wonder whether this stance against piss poor English will also be extended to Dillon himself. In a bizarre turn of events Dillon ends the 'speech' by asking other leader's to rally behind him in a stance against bullying in the mafia when quite frankly extortion is essentially bullying and is Diddly dicks primary source of income. The other leaders are wondering why the king in the north hasn't put down his retarded brother yet because it would be a kindness and would probably save the Winston family a fortune in hospital fees for chronic heart failure.

It is believed these two families are at war but omar seems to be unconcerned by dillon especially now since he's cleared his fridge and taken his family for a vacation. It's believed Dillon "I still live with my mum" Winston has sent terms to Omar asking for omar to pop his cherry, a 5 pack of socks, some petroleum jelly and a packet of tissues. We await Omar's response to the terms.

DINTY MAKE TERMS ALREADY?

Discussion point, it's understood Petface made terms with Omar over the pathetic war because of funeral disrespect. In the editors point of view it's believed that Omar was out of line for the war and this should have been resolved over a pint, a saveloy and chips with the two funeral disrespectful numpties taking a long walk into the ocean never to return. This is largely irrelevant, with terms being made and accepted this war is over and forgotten. So with diddly dumb turning up and starting a new war for shit that didn't involve him, it goes to show what a pathetic person Tubsy McFatFuck is. We all accept this, the question is simply this though, doesn't this undermine Petface? Doesn't this also suggest that LA's word is mud and no deal with them should ever be honoured.

In hindsight it's a shame Denver didn't roll in and slaughter them to prevent this incident but, I don't think that says much for our society as you'd expect mafia members to conduct business and move on especially as this is essentially business not personal.

It's no secret that I hope Dillon winds up in a body bag for his poor leadership, and so I'm now starting a fund on behalf of our readers for the head of Dillon and the reinstatement of Petface as leader in LA. We've currently received donations in the amount of 10m and 50 favours and we are gladly accepting more funds to this account.

SEVERELY F. FAT

As many of you know our previous guest writer passed away in tragic circumstances. As he was insignificant to everyone we will not be commemorating him but we have replaced him with Severely F. Fat our resident agony uncle. As we haven't received many questions we have asked Severely to tell us more about himself by keeping a diary too. We highly recommend that no one takes this guys advice ever.

Vaste

MY DIARY BY SEVERELY F. FAT

'Dear diary...

8am.. woke up and had a small breakfast. 12 pancakes. 4 packets of Oreos and a jug of maple syrup. A gallon of OJ to wash it down.

10am.. breakfast is ongoing. I found some pizza crusts I wasn't feeling man enough to eat last night and three loaves of toast with peanut butter and jelly on.

12pm.. breakfast has become lunch. The 7 double hamburgers I had were a good starter. For mains I decided to order in Chinese. I dont even have to place a specific order anymore they just bring me everything, twice and they know me by my heavy breathing which is nice because I don't even have to talk. It makes the phone call very short.

2pm.. I think I've eaten too much. My stomach hurts. Oh wait. No I just had gas.

2.05pm.. Boy I'm hungry!

4pm.. boy I'm hungry!

6pm.. boy I'm hungry!

8pm.. there's no food left in the fridge. I demolished everything I had and licked the toothpick clean afterwards. Whut am I going to do now?

DEAR SEVERELY

"Dear Severely,

Many of my friends have lost their virginity. I'm 21 years old and was saving myself for a special girl. I think I've found her now and we're about to reach that magical step in our relationship. What's it like to lose your virginity and are there any tips and tricks?

Thanks

Mythical Todger aged 21 from long island"

"Dear Mythical,

In short, I have no fucking idea mate. I've been told girls like it when you take them back to your mum's house to do the deed and if you eat their food before they have a chance to taste it so they don't have to suffer with the embarrassment of eating in front of you when they should really be starving themselves to stay sexy. Instead I prefer to listening to my house mate the reverend getting religious with his girlfriend, lube up my member with fat roll sweat and jerk one out rhythmically to the reverends head board banging and his girlfriend screaming out oh god repetively.

Sincerely your hero

Severely"