IN YOUR VASTE - Issue 13

EDITOR'S NOTE

Issue 13? 13 is seen as an unlucky number, some stories say this is due to the number of people present with Jesus at the last supper others say that the Vatican slaughtered the knights templar on Friday the 13th. No one knows why this number is really so despised but it seems apt that this is the 13th issue when you read the articles in today's issue.

WIPEOUT WEDNESDAY

Wednesday laid witness to the much bloodshed as no less than 7 newly proclaimed Street Bosses were exterminated on one of the bloody days in recent history. Police are looking for culprits but with Gunny being in federal custody and nobody being brought to justice for this murder shows the ineptitude of the authorities. It is speculated that the West Coast Devils have formed a super partnership across the country and their numbers far exceed everyone else combined, they are now asserting their respective power whilst the other families are still holding onto long held family grudges and are in complete disarray. If this continues, there will be no one to stand up to this west coast led force majeure. Is it time for people to drop long held grudges and start considering their respective futures or will this become the day of the devil? Only time will tell.

In other news it is reported that miami geriatric Mr G has been a victim of a violent shooting before his home could bring him back safely. It is speculated that he asserted his claim as the sole boss of miami in light of his age but this wasn't taken kindly and one of his many enemies finally laid him to rest. God bless his soul.

THE OLD FOGEY PROBLEM PERSISTS

In Your Vaste is at a loss to understand how so many geriatrics are on the street but there seems to be an epidemic of them now. It has been reported that an old fogey who goes by the name Episiotomy has been seen on the street talking to a corpse about how they need to make friends before turning up to the funeral of said corpse to sing and dance on their grave. Reporters are of the understanding that dancing on an enemies grave is seen as disrespectful by all and that a communal fund has been raised for the head of episiotomy with sums estimated to be in excess of $50,000,000 already and steadily rising.

Witnesses are at a loss to learn what caused Episiotomy's outrage as there doesn't appear to be any interaction between the two men with Frank Sidebottom only spectating on Episiotomy's antics. We reached out to the corpse for their comments but, surprisingly, we are yet to receive an answer.

IN YOUR VASTE'S WORD OF THE DAY: EPISIOTOMY

An episiotomy is a cut made by a healthcare professional into the perineum and vaginal wall to make more space for your baby to be born.

This is not a name and is a really weird thing to call yourself unless you really hate vaginas.

WATERMELONS WANTED:

A regular supply of watermelons for Smokey Mountain Restaurant in Chicago. Must have your own truck. Contact Max on 312-BBQ-KING

MEN WANTED:

I need men to work for me in my business in Chicago, for no questions asked work who won't cooperate with authorities. Wink wink, knudge, knudge. If this is your kind of work contact Ray on 312-I-TOUCH-U