The Los Angeles Times - 1st Edition
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Feb. 20th

THE FALL OF BONNIE AND CLYDE
By: The LA Times Staff

Police arrived at the scene of a brutal triple-homicide just after midnight on February 16th in the downtown section of Miami, Florida. The victims of the shootings were later identified as Robin Grimes, Susanna Grimes and Antoine Kerr. All rumored associates of the Sons & Soldiers crime family of Miami. Witnesses say that a known Caporegime, also loyal to the Sons & Soldiers crime family, known as “Embaucador”, was the trigger man.

Eye witness reports' claim the shooting stemmed from an argument involving a fifth, unidentified party in which accusations were made of the couple robbing the Detroit federal bank. When asked about the Grimes couple, the Detroit police department issued a statement saying they were currently looking to bring them in for questioning regarding the robbery. As of right now no arrests have been made, additional information will be provided as further details become available.

PAPER TRAIL
By: The LA Times Staff

Newspaper writer Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli was found murdered inside of his Dirty Deeds Headquarters in the early morning hours of February the 16th. Multiple gunshots rang out in which witnesses called a “massacre.”

The shooting happened less than two hours after Stamboli released the fourth installment of “The Dirty Deeds” newspaper in which Stamboli slammed one of the two Don's of Los Angeles, Man. Falsely accusing the Don of interfering in the Street Boss competition currently taking place in various cities across America.

This came after reports from the day prior stating that Johnny received a warning from Don Tyreese about some of his remarks about the LA family. People close to Johnny say he feared for his life after a brief run in with Tyreese, where the Don stuffed Johnny's pockets with a precise amount of cash adding up to $1,105. LA Times reporters were able to catch up with Don Tyreese “The Hammer” Williams, and when asked about the obvious connection between Mr. Stamboli and his own family he was quoted as saying. “I have no comment on the situation, it is an ongoing investigation and I fully expect the Atlanta police department to do their due diligence in finding out what exactly took place.” Unfortunately no arrests have been made as no reliable source has been able to identify the shooter. The lone witness was quoted as saying the gunman was “A mumbling old man in a dress, carrying a wand.”

GNOMESAYIN'?
By: Gnome

Welcome to my first installment of trials and tribulations of a Gnome in modern society.

Here is where I give my documentation of my time spent in America, how it pertains to me and my kind, and to better inform Gnomes out there if life in America is a safe bet.

Whether I liked them or not these giants were starting to grow on me. Life here wasn't so bad it. In fact I was becoming accustom to a particular type of lifestyle, the lifestyle of a mobster. As hard as it looked from the outside looking in, this life was actually luxurious and didn't pose as many threats as other occupations would.

Their law enforcement, while being paid severely less than a mobster, had daily threats to their lives. Armed or not, this world was not safe and I knew that coming in.

When I first pondered about the idea of venturing out of my home, Gnomestead, to discover new worlds I was frightened. Just the thought of being eaten was my main concern. The folk tales of giants kidnapping my kind and mutilating them before sticking them in their gardens was a thing of a Gnome's worst nightmare. Nothing could be farther from the truth though, at least for now.

You see, after living for a few weeks in their world, these giants weren't actually as bad as we Gnomes made them out to be. I had the pleasure of meeting one, Sir Duncan. He was a large and ominous looking giant, bigger than most others. I thought for sure that when I entered his Detroit Donut shop he would eat me. No question, I almost defecated on the spot.

However, he was kind and gentle. A warm greeting followed by a nice conversation showed me we Gnomes might be fearful for all the wrong reasons. He let me pick out a few lovely doughnuts before letting me go on my way. He never once gave me the impression I was going to be his lunch.

I am always looking for the dangers out there. Trying to see if life in America can be equipped to handle the needs of a Gnome. One interaction with a giant was not enough to convince me yet, though. I will need to visit more places across this vast country and put together a collaboration of evidence proving this world is safe enough for Gnomes to live in. It won't be easy, but I Gnome I will come to a conclusion.

POLICE INFORMANT KILLED
By: The LA Times Staff

L.A.P.D. have identified the bodies of two police officers during the late afternoon of February the 18th in what police are calling a drug sting gone wrong. The informant, Ricky Rose, who's real name is Officer William Leonard Roberts III of Miami; was found dead at the scene to a gunshot wound to the head. The second victim, Agent Barrett Kidd also from Miami, was rushed to the Los Angeles hospital where he later died to a gunshot wound to the stomach.

With the only two witnesses now deceased, the L.A.P.D. are turning to the public for any possible leads as to who the gunman was. Los Angeles police Sergeant Vincenzo Salas issued a statement saying “Los Angeles is in mourning, we've lost two extremely hard working officers to more senseless violence that plagues the streets of LA. Both men were well liked in our community, and both leave behind family. Officer Roberts was working a case to bring down a drug dealer known as “FCUK.” Officer Roberts was unable to send us a photograph of this man as he was killed during his only meeting with him, if anyone knows of the whereabouts of this man they are asked to contact the Los Angeles Police Department as soon as possible.”

A FRIENDLY CHALLENGE
By: The LA Times Staff

In what seemed to be a mad man's desperate attempt to lash out at the few readers he had left in what would end up being his final paper, Johnny Stamboli went down swinging by saying “I have gotten some hate mail for my views. Guess what America? I don't give a damn. This is my newspaper and if you think you can do better, then I challenge you to come up with your own newspaper.”

We here at the LA Times would very much like to take Johnny up on his challenge. The Los Angeles Times are currently hiring experienced writers, sorry Randle McMurphy; if you have an article you'd like published please visit the LA Compound or submit them by mail to either Don Man, Don Tyreese, or our resident Gnome. Gnometalkin' bout?

CLASSIFIEDS

Classified ads cost a $50,000 fee, send your payment and advert to Don Tyreese

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SUITS YOU

“Like awful service? Dream of never ending lines where the only available employee keeps telling you 'he's on break'? Enjoy paying for things and never actually getting the item in good condition, that's if you get the item at all! Then please, come down to Suits You owned by M Gustave in Los Angeles. Gustave specializes in making the finest suits in all of the country. But if you don't happen to fit into one of the display suits, chances are you won't be getting one. Hell if you even see Gustave consider yourself lucky!”

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“Hello there everyone. I'm Nina Ross.

I have some wonderful places that's open around the country to the public that I hope you all get a chance to visit.

I have a wonderful bed and breakfast in Chicago. Whether you're on a business trip or just traveling around the town. I have beautiful suites here that's fit for a King or Queen. You can have your breakfast, lunch, or dinner delivered in the comfort of your room or you can come down to the dining area, order your food and have a drink while you wait.

I have the most delicious "Tasty" shakes and ice cream in the great city of Miami. If you're ever in the Miami area come on out for a visit and grab yourself a sweet treat.

Now, My grocery store and chef spot is in Atlanta. It's for those of you who are on the go, or want to stop in for a quick meal. I have the best chefs around town. If you're in Atlanta and have to leave quickly. Come on by Nina Grocery store and chef sp. We deliver your goods right to your door.

So come on out for some relaxation, tasty treats, or grab your groceries on the go.

I look forward to seeing you soon!”

Nina

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OBITUARIES

Kiera
Born: Jan 1st 15 4:17PM in New York
Died: Feb 14th 15 4:37AM in Las Vegas
Rank: Earner

Robin G
Born: Dec 17th 14 11:36PM in Miami
Died: Feb 16th 15 12:11AM in Miami

Rank: Boss

Susana G
Born: Jan 18th 15 12:28AM in Miami
Died: Feb 16th 15 12:22AM in Miami

Rank: Made Man

Ricky Rose
Born: Oct 15th 14 8:23AM in Denver
Died: Feb 18th 15 2:41PM in Los Angeles

Rank: Made Man

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

Thank you to everyone involved in making this first edition of the LA Times a reality, we're always looking for experienced writers to add something special to our paper. Our current set up will allow us to put out a paper bi-weekly, as we gain more writers and interest from the public we may be able to eventually become a weekly paper. We have a high standard for quality articles and look forward to bringing you much more in future iterations.