The Mafia Gazette
For All The News That Is News (E&OE)
Issue 11
11 April 2012


FEDERAL ANTI-CRIME COMMISSION PLANS LEAKED

Plans for a new Commission to combat the crime problem have leaked out and are starting to cause some concern among those in the criminal fraternity.

Details are very sketchy, but it appears that there will be some sort of crack-down on criminal activity led by this new Commission. Congress has apparently created this Commission as a task force and we can expect to see some sort of effect from this fairly soon.

Our informant did not have much more to say about this Commission, but as soon as we can learn more, we will bring you all the news of it that we can. For now, we hope you stay safe and keep your eyes open.


TRANSPORT STRIKES BRING COUNTRY TO STANDSTILL

The Civil and National Transport Union last night brought the country to a standstill. All airports and train stations closed their doors to customers yesterday and there is still no sign of them opening.

The reason for the strike was given as being because of the danger caused by the latest war between the usual suspects. CNTU members complained that to continue working they would need danger money on top of their wage, a demand that the Administration were not willing to meet.

It was hoped that with the current seeming cessation of the latest outbreak of violence that the Union may call off the strike, but Union Leader, Mr Ivor Pickett has squashed that hope in a statement to the press earlier today in which he said “Until the danger has definitely passed, or until the Administration agree to the danger money being paid to our workers, we will not put anyone at risk”.

People have already complained about being stuck in cities, so it is hoped that this apparent ceasefire will be permanent to allow people to go about their business once more.


CLEANER RETIRES

Here at the Gazette we are sad to report the retirement of one our favourite Street cleaners. Isabella De Rossi hung up her broom earlier this week, claiming, “I’m getting to old for this shit “before heading off to her retirement party.

Isabella has been around these parts for years, a face that everyone knew and someone that most respected for her work. She picked up the broom in an effort to better the world that she found herself in, and when asked if she had any regrets she said, “With all the claims of bias, I only wish I had been. I could have made a butt load of cash if I had just tried.” She then laughed and shook her head, “No no, I have no regrets. I am going to miss my fellow cleaners, they’ve had it easy and now they’re going to have step forward and become the scapegoat for all the problems.”

Her retirement party was held in Carcass’ private estate located in Chicago with BlackAliss and the other cleaners in attendance. The highlight of the night was when Carcass got up on a table and started singing into his bottle. BlackAliss was also persuaded to join in when Eric yelled, “Everybody Conga!” and it turns out when you ask how low can you go, Isabella can, indeed get quite low.

After years of hard work and dedication we here at the Gazette wish Isabella a happy and peaceful retirement. When asked about her future plans she replied, “I’m considering drinking my way across the country. Not a wild bender, but getting to know faces in different places. I’ve never been to California. Maybe now is a good time to go.”

We would like to thank Isabella for all her hard work, and love her or hate her, it will still be a sad departure into her drunken retirement.


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